The search for the way, to harvest the pain‘Cause all of its contagiousI found out I was pregnant on my birthday (Sept 17th 2009) and I was of course ecstatic. Disbelief may be a more fitting term but all together just excited beyond measures. We decided to keep it quiet. I knew that miscarriages happen within the first trimester a lot. I can't say that things had gone well those weeks. I had signs of miscarriage but my doctor said everything looked good. Then, it happened, my dreams were crushed into tiny shards of glass tearing away my dreams of a child to hold. I was at work and had to go to another building to run an errand and right there at that building, it happened. I went home and later in the afternoon confirmed that I had miscarried. For those of you that have had a miscarriage you know the feelings.. guilt, pain, anger, etc. One of the hardest things to do was telling our families. They were surprised that we were even trying to get pregnant. Some great friends showed support, some tried and failed and yet others didn't know what to say so they took a quiet step out of the way. December came along and we had our trip to Europe. It was a great way to run away from 'reality' though some nights as beautiful as they are in Paris were still lonely in a way. Christmas came and went with a blur and we decided to start trying again. 2010 was going to be good to us....
Knowing your head, no control of what you let go
Sometimes, it’s not what you dreamed of
It's 6 months later to the date... March 17th 2010, Happy St. Patty's day. Two lines, two heartbeats, two lives changing forever. I couldn't believe how quickly we got pregnant since we didn't start trying until the new year. New hope grows inside of me and though I don't think the hurt from the first miscarriage would ever be forgotten, I finally had something to look forward to. We had a scare soon after the confirmation of pregnancy and had an early ultra sound. But there was that little heart, beating. It was an amazing thing and I was brought to tears. We told our families when I was about 8weeks along. But only them and a couple of close friends, we didn't want to get our hopes up. April 30th I had stayed home from work because I was spotting a little bit and plus I had an appointment. As I left for my appointment, it happened, again. I knew this feeling and I knew that I had to say goodbye once again to a little helpless soul that I never got to meet. I sat in my car in the parking lot of the clinic and wept uncontrollably. I cried so hard and was so hurt that I stayed in the parking lot for about a half hour until I knew I could drive home safely. Why?, the question I asked myself over and over and over. Greg and I layed in bed that night many times in silence both not really knowing what to do or say. How do you go on? ... but you do. Deep breath, pray, and know that there was a reason. (Even though you want to say screw there being a reason for everything) Some friends took the side door once again and some were amazing. One particular couple God sent especially for us.
It's now July and I'm trying to get back to normal, reading and educating myself on pregnancy, miscarriages, etc. Greg and I go up to Bemidji to relax and celebrate Independence Day. It was lovely. A few days after we get back I took a test. It was positive...no way! I couldn't believe how quickly this happened again for us. Though we were ecstatic the fear hid comfortable around the corner. I started seeing a new doctor and as soon as I had a positive pregnancy test she wanted me to come in for some tests. She was so kind and so smart, it was comforting. She put me on a supplement and sent me on my way. At 9 weeks I had my first ultra sound and there it was, that little heartbeat going as fast as can be. Even though the blob didn't look too much like a baby I knew it was. Tears again filled up my eyes. Could this be the one? After the appointment each and every twing, or cramp lead to lots of fear. Not again.... please I can't take another let down. Three weeks go by and everything is still looking good. Another two weeks go by and there is a scare. I wanted to scream, this is not happening again. My doctor had me come in for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. As we walked into the ultrasound room my heart was pounding and fear was starting to take over. All I could do was pray in my head to just let go, I am not under control of this, and that's okay. I sat down on the exam table and she started the ultrasound. I couldn't believe my eyes, little feet, little hands, squirming around. Then there it was, that tiny beating heart, beating at 158 bpm. Greg and I looked at each other with a contented smile. "Everything looks great, " said the US tech. We talked with the doctor afterward and he just gave us some advice but said that everything is okay and baby is doing well. Wow....that was great! We had spoken with our pastor soon after. We tried to explain to him that we are so excited yet can't seem to show it because of the fear we have. He said it perfectly that we are cautiously optimistic. Perfect, exactly! As usual he knows the right thing to say to give us comfort. He prayed over me and little Junebug which was overwhelming, but in a good way.
I am now onto my 34th week.... and hope has overcome my spirit. Baby showers will be starting and in a blink of an eye Greg and i will have little Junebug in our arms. Though I will never understand why, it has opened my eyes and I am stronger because of my little angel babies. I don't openly talk about them though i should but I also know that people often feel uncomfortable if the topic is brought up or they say they understand when in reality, unless you have gone through it, you have no clue whatsoever. So there you go, I keep pretty quiet about it. This weekend for some reason I read over my private blog and felt the urge to let it go into this public blog. Don't know why but I am.
Our little girl, we have so many hopes and dreams for you already and each time I feel (or see) you kick I know that you will make us the proudest parents that we could ever be. And when your smiles turn into frowns and first words turn into back talk, I will remind myself that you are an amazing, one of a kind, wonderful blessing. Each and every moment with you is a gift. We are so incredibly blessed.
So there is the shortened version of our pregnancy journey. God's plan does not always match up to ours and that is okay. For the plans He has for us are amazing.
"What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes a part of us." Helen Keller
Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3: 5-6
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